I just feel so so so weird.

So all of a sudden I am pulled back into church to play drums. Last week Ben asked me to play for youth service and just this morning Terrence dropped me a text asking me to play drums for tomorrow.

It was as if I was in sec 3 or sec 4 again where I played for church almost every single week. It certainly was the same feeling when I was asked to play. So during practice today I thought back to when was the last time I played for church. I realised it was in 2008, sometime in aug or sept. I have not served God for 16 months. I realised how much I have changed.

I used to focus on God during my playing. Now it's all about timing, precision, volume. I realised during practice that God was not on my mind at all while I was playing. I treated it like a performance. It hit me hard. You may think it's no big deal. But to me it is. Inside, it feels like I'm no longer true to God.

This is not about how good my drumming is, but whether I'm even worshipping God. If my relationship with God isn't a good one, how can I even serve Him.

I don't know where to go from this. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I'll probably stop playing till I'm sure about myself again.